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Bath salts cause zombie outbreak

June 29, 2012

 

Zombies should only exist in video games or horror movies.

 

We should not be worried about walking through the Quad and a random person biting our face off, because zombies are only fictional creatures in the goriest of books, right?.

 

This fictional creature is being brought to life by bath salts.

 

Just to be clear, these are not the relaxing, lavender scented bath salts that someone would put in their bath water after a long day. They are the opposite.

 

The frenzy began when a naked man ran down a street in Miami, came across a homeless man and chewed 80 percent of his face off. Now the country is experiencing a bath salt-induced zombie apocalypse.

 

In Virginia, May 15, according to NBC, a man on bath salts stole a school bus and crashed into a store to steal bath salts. He escaped from the mental hospital he was staying at to find more bath salts.

 

In New Jersey, a man stabbed himself in the neck, stomach and legs, then ripped his intestines from his body and threw them at police May 30, according to Fox News.

 

In Maryland, a student stabbed and killed his roommate, then dismembered him and ate his heart and parts of his brain June 1, according to The Examiner.

 

In Miami, June 6, according to NBC, a man growled at police officers, tried to bite them and screamed, “I’m going to eat you.”

 

It’s safe to say the media coverage of these attacks is making many people across the country ask, “Where can I get some of THAT?” More people are figuring out the answer to that question.

 

Bath salts are a form of synthetic cocaine that can cause paranoia, agitation, hallucinations, chest pain, suicidal thoughts, the strength of 16 men, a tendency to growl and a persistent urge to bite into human flesh.

 

This is not an excerpt from Stephen King’s latest novel. This is real life.

 

The Drug Enforcement Administration last fall banned three chemicals commonly used to make bath salts: mephedrone, methylenedioxypyrovalerone and methylone. Possession or sale of these synthetic stimulants could result in federal drug charges.

 

The chemicals in the drugs are illegal, but people are still finding ways to sell them online and in mini-marts.

 

Six convenience stores in Indiana were recently charged with selling bath salts, and now states across the US are passing new bans and conducting investigations on locations suspected of selling.

 

People are snorting it, shooting it, mixing it with food and drinks and even smoking it through crack pipes.

 

We told ourselves it couldn’t happen in Louisiana. We refused to believe the threat of a zombie attack went beyond someone throwing a sock at us.

 

But there it was—an article in The Times (of Shreveport) June 6 declaring one man bit a chunk out of another man’s face during a fight in Lafayette Parish, and bath salts are the suspected cause.

 

Actually, statistics from Drug Rehab say crises calls about bath salts are seven times more likely to be made from the state of Louisiana than any other state.

 

The last thing we need on Tech’s campus is someone trying bath salts for fun, just because they heard it about it on TV or in a Tech Talk editorial, then biting people’s faces off or eating their roommate’s intestines.

 

We like our faces, so please, use the bath salts that make your skin smell like spring time and as for the illegal ones that make you want to rip the skin off someone’s face with your teeth, leave those alone, because zombies are only supposed to exist in video games, not on college campuses.

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2 Responses to Bath salts cause zombie outbreak

  1. Patrick Boyd Reply

    July 2, 2012 at 1:55 pm

    “The Walking Dead” makes much more sense now. Good editorial.

  2. Mary Elizabeth Patrick Reply

    July 12, 2012 at 8:34 am

    It wasn’t bath salts. I am not defending bath salts here but your story was written 2 days after the toxicology report was released in the Miami incident. (See paragraph below)

    Even the case you quoted in Shreveport reports bath salts as “suspected” not confirmed.

    No we don’t want people to ingest drugs that are harmful to them and make them harm others but we shouldn’t feed the hysteria either.

    From the Huffington Post Miami dated 6/27/2012:

    Begin Quote—- According to a statement on the full toxicology report by the Miami-Dade medical examiner, the only drug detected in the lifeless body of infamous Miami face-chewer Rudy Eugene was marijuana.

    “The department’s toxicology laboratory has identified the active components of marijuana,” medical examiner Dr. Bruce Hyma said in a statement. “The laboratory has tested for but not detected any other street drugs, alcohol or prescription drugs…This includes cocaine, LSD, amphetamines (Extasy, Meth and others), phencyclidine (PCP or Angel Dust), heroin, oxycodone, Xanax, synthetic marijuana (Spice), and many other similar compounds.”

    A second forensic toxicology lab also confirmed the absence of the most common ingredients of bath salts, a synthetic amphetamine cocktail blamed in several recent incidents that bear some similarity to Eugene’s attack.

    “Within the limits of current technology by both laboratories,” the statement read, “marijuana is the only drug identified in the body of Mr. Rudy Eugene.” ——End Quote

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