Crappy movies and awkwardness

May 7, 2008

by Taylor Aswell

On a recent adventure to the movies, I was able to see Prom Night. Now before anyone says, “Why?” let me explain. I love movies, and because of this love, I see way too many, which leads me to theaters to see many movies I shouldn’t. I do this hoping I can find an awesome movie that looks horrible, yet 99 percent of the time they suck. Although every now and then I find a good one.

Now back to the story.

Prom Night may have been one of the worst attempts at horror that I have ever seen. It is just another one of those teenage horror movies that is being pushed out in what feels like once a week.

If sitting through a crappy movie wasn’t enough, I also had to pay for some popcorn and a drink. Now the price of the ticket plus refreshments left me declaring bankruptcy, so at this point I am pretty annoyed and upset. It would only get worse.

I also made the mistake of telling the concession stand guy that I would like butter on my popcorn. Forty-five squirts later, she basically gave me a sopping bag of heart attack.

Why do people think you want a gallon of butter when they ask you for it?

So with inedible food and a six- gallon drink that I spent all my money on, I decided to go get a seat in the movie theater.

I got there early to stake my claim near the top so I wouldn’t look like a loser who has to sit in the front because they spent that extra ten minutes trying to look good for that high school sweetheart who they know is the one.

I did score an awesome seat near the top, with the all-important empty seat in front of me. Now with my feet comfortably propped up in front of me, and a relatively quiet theater, I am finally feeling good.

All right, now time for the previews. The pinnacle of my movie-going night was right here. I even got to see that awesome trailer for the new Batman movie. (Who isn’t stoked for that one?) Now I am really flying high, until the worst thing imaginable that could happen, happened.

A stampede of awkwardness, squeaking voices and hormones flew in from the bottom of the theater. With roughly 50 percent of the theater left open surely they will sit nowhere near me.

Wrong again, as they sit on the same row, actually forcing one of their friends to sit by me. There is nothing quite as awkward as sitting by a 14-year-old girl in a movie when you are 19.

As I thought to myself how I was living out a horror movie of my own, I realized I still had my foot rest, and after all that is the most important thing.

As soon as I came to this realization, fate sent one of those really old, way-too-affectionate couples my way. You know the ones who put their hands in each other’s back pockets. Where did they sit? The only logical spot is right in front of me, and that is where they sat.

So after an hour of stupid one-liners from the movie and the teenage couple beside me, I decided I could not take it anymore. Off I went to journey home in search of a gun with one bullet. All the stupidity I was subjected to left me feeling depressed and worrisome about the future. But first I had to step to the bathroom because of that 88-ounce drink, putting me in a got-to-go-right-now situation.

In the men’s room I was the only one there, so I went on my way. Sure enough, before my pants were unzipped, a crazy-looking old man wanders in and stands beside me.

There are two main rules of the men’s room: One is to stand as far away from the person at the urinals as possible, and two is to not speak. This guy broke both of them, all while giving me a very uncomfortable look which left me unable to properly urinate.

With a full bladder and a confused sense of what has happened, I left the theater. In a full sprint to my car I thought to myself, “This wasn’t even the worst movie experience I have ever had.”

Movie theaters are a haven for dumb people, awkward moments and memories that will haunt you for the rest of your life.

Taylor Aswell is a sophomore journalism major from Calhoun who serves as associate sports editor for The Tech Talk. E-mail comments to twa019@latech.edu